Dear Coach Karen C,

My children are approaching middle age. As parents, we get along with each of them, However, they don’t get along with each other. I thought they would outgrow this sniping and negative judgment of each other, but it hasn’t happened.

How can we be a more peaceful, fun-loving family?

Signed, Tired of the family feud.

Dear Tired,

Whether you have a houseful of grammar schoolers or your kids are middle aged, the dynamics aren’t very different. Some sibling rivalry just doesn’t go away when they grow older. As a parent how often do you wonder: “Why can’t they just get along?”

Here is a simple, but amazing skill to teach your kids. Of course, the younger the kids, the easier to cultivate new habits, but ALL family members will benefit from practicing this skill. It will change your life. I guarantee it!!

Assume Positive Intent and Get Curious

Think about it. What if every time someone said something odd to you, your filter automatically switched to: “I assume they meant well, so what else do I need to know to make sense of this?”

I challenge you to try this. Start with just noticing when you get irritated by someone’s remarks. Restate in your head: I assume they really meant well, what else do I need to know? Then ASK. Keep a positive, neutral tone to your questions.

The irritation melts away. It is surprising to discover what is behind their comments. Clarifying meaning and intent makes life so much easier for everyone. It also helps each of us to be clearer in our own communication.

Relax. Breathe. Most irritating family relationships can be soothed by letting go of our habitual harsh pre-judgments. Begin the interaction with a neutral accepting attitude.

This is not to say that people always have positive intent. But if your first response is to assume their positive intent, you shift the energy in the relationship. You are much more likely to get what you expect.

Coach Karen C

If you would like help with relationship difficulties, or  have a dilemma you think would be a good newsletter topic for Ask Coach Karen C., please call or email. All conversations are confidential.

Dear Coach Karen C,

All of my life our family has enjoyed our cabin on the shore of a mountain lake. As kids, my brother and I spent our summers swimming, boating, and fishing in the sun. It is an idyllic place.

Now, as middle-aged adults with our own grown children, life has become more complicated. Mom owns the cabin, but because of the altitude and age (89) she doesn’t go the mountains anymore. My brother, Sam, and I each have exclusive cabin usage two of the four summer months.

Sam, Mom and I agreed to split the bills for the cabin. Sam pays his part. Mom pays her part and my part right now because I am having financial troubles. Also, over the last three summers, my husband and our friends rebuilt the old cabin into a new, comfortable, warm space. Mom paid for the materials, and we provided the labor gratis.

Sam is very upset that I am not paying my part. He nit-picks everything I do. His life style, personality and expectations are very different than mine. He is rigid and controlling. He doesn’t want anything that is not his to be visible when he arrives at the cabin. He doesn’t like my use of the boat (owned by all of us), and he doesn’t want us to allow our friends to use the cabin when we are not there during our two months. These are the very friends who helped rebuild it!

This coming season our kids want to use the space, too. In the past, they have always had adult supervision while there. Now, in their early twenties, they want to have the freedom to use the space whenever it is available.

Sam and I are not speaking anymore. The tension is terrible and is very hard on Mom.

What can we do about this mess?    Signed, Summer Girl

Dear Summer Girl,

If you play this as an  “I’m right, you’re wrong” game, everyone will lose.

You have already taken a step in the right direction by having exclusive use of the cabin for a defined time. In addition, since one person’s time is finished for the season as the next begins, you have only two moments on the calendar to come to terms with your varying lifestyles: at mid summer, and at the beginning of the season the following year.

You, your brother and mother must have a constructive conversation that will result in a written statement of your mutually agreed upon standards. Procedures for opening and closing for the season, guest rules, maintenance expectations, sharing expenses, changes of décor and standards for cleaning are important areas of  focus. Ideas from all of you must be incorporated.

Keep a communication binder at the cabin. Make note of repairs done, issues you notice, any actions taken, purchases made, any significant neighborhood news or events.

You must agree upon an amount of money you can spend on the cabin without prior approval . Expenditures above that amount need to be pre-approved if you want to be sure of re-imbursement.

Create a personal storage area for each of you so your personal items will not be in the closets and drawers when the next group arrives.

In our family cabin (yes, my family also owns a cabin), we have hired a cleaning service to clean to a standard between rotating uses. This way there is no finger pointing about what didn’t get cleaned well enough. There is a cost to the cleaning service, but it is not nearly as expensive as having judgment and bad feelings in the family. Each cabin user pays for the cleaning after their stay.

About boat use and repairs:

This is a sticky spot. Typically in a family, one person will be more mechanically inclined than the others. That is the good news and the bad news. Will that person want to be responsible for all boat maintenance and repairs? What do you suppose will happen to the dynamics around boast usage if one person is responsible and many use it? What policy will you have about leaving gas in the boat for the next user?

Write down your agreements. Give each person a copy and put one copy in the cabin communication binder.

Have a formal family meeting both before the summer season and afterwards to review and update changes you want to make to your policies. Take minutes at the meeting. Record any changes to your cabin policies and place them in the binder.

You can create a temporary policy for the coming season to test its effectiveness. Sometimes plans have unintended consequences. Be willing to adapt your thinking. and be sure to write down your agreements.

This level of communication will go a long way towards creating harmony while you are sharing this wonderful opportunity.

Good luck. Enjoy.

Coach Karen C

Ask Coach Karen C is a monthly column to help you understand how to build family trust and in this case rebuild family relationships. If you would like help with these kind of hard family relationship conversations, or have a dilemma you think  would be a good newsletter topic for Ask Coach Karen C., please call or email. All  conversations are confidential.  831-­47-5­4479   karenc@advantagefbc.com

Dear Coach Karen C,

The squeeze time of year is upon us again. Property Tax, Income Taxes and our insurance are all due within a week. Times are tight for us.

Six years ago, our daughter Sally and her husband, Jack, borrowed money from us for a down payment on their home. We have a written agreement saying they will make monthly payments to us over a ten year period. This plus their mortgage was a manageable amount for them to pay.

They made their payments to us for the first year. Then he lost his job. After two years out of work, he finally found a suitable job. But—they did not resume making their payments to us. Now we found out that they are not making their mortgage payments either. Their home value is underwater. It looks like they are heading for foreclosure.

Our second position on their property has vaporized. They are making no effort to pay us—or to communicate with us about it. This is putting a huge strain on our relationship. Our other daughter told us that her sister said “Mom and Dad have plenty of money. They don’t need it.”

What shall we do?                                      Signed, Sad and Sorry

Dear Sad and Sorry,

Parent-child loans are very common. In fact, CNNMoney reports that in the US about $45 Billion of parent-child loans are extended every year. About 14% of these intra-family loans end up in default.

What did you do when the payments first stopped? It sounds like you agreed to their not paying during his unemployment, but had other expectations once he started back to work. Did you all agree upon that? Did you write it down? When the payments didn’t start up again, what did you do?

Life is full of surprises. Bad things happen to good people. …And  agreements must be kept or mutually modified in order to maintain trust.

Disappointments happen. It is important to do the best you can to maintain relationship with those you love. That does NOT mean you do nothing when the other party doesn’t keep their part of the bargain.

I imagine Sally and Jack are very uncomfortable about not keeping their word. Perhaps they don’t know how to broach the subject with you. Maybe they think there will be a lot of blame –and they don’t know what to do with that. The remark about Mom & Dad not needing the money sounds defensive to me. They may be trying to find a way to justify their behavior.

It’s time for you to call a family meeting. The longer you wait, the harder this will be. This situation calls for you to actively manage your emotions. Find a way to express your disappointment that things are not working out as you had all agreed. Stay out of the blame game.

Since things are not going as planned, ask Sally and Jack what they can do to get on track. There may be even more to the story than you now know.

Work out some kind of payment plan that will allow them the dignity of  being adults and will restore trust with you. Something is better than nothing. Write down &  all sign the agreement.

Then tell them how important it is to you that they keep their word because it builds trust – an essential building block of relationship. Keeping their word is a way of saying “I love and respect you.”

If you can keep the tone of the conversation focused on solving the problem rather than being a complaining session, you have a better chance of good result.

We help people design a successful path through this kind of hard conversation. Call or email Coach Karen C for help: affordable price–priceless outcome

Good luck.

Coach Karen C

PS.  Another note:

Money loaned to anyone—including a family member, can be deducted as a bad debt deduction on your taxes if certain criteria are met. Documenting this loan is essential to its deductibility. The loan must be a valid and enforceable obligation to repay a fixed or determinable amount of money. The loan cannot be construed as a gift, so a written agreement, signed by both parties is a must. The loan document needs to include the amount and the repayment terms.

When the loan payments have not been made, you must have made attempts to collect the debt and have documented this process. Keep good records.

Ask your CPA for more details. The information above is general and not intended to be official tax information

Dear Coach Karen C,

My brother and I were equal partners in a business we started two decades ago. We got it off the ground and built it into a stable, profitable organization. The two of us had very different ideas about plans for the future. So, after months of deep conversation, we decided that he would buy me out. We agreed upon a price. He went into debt to make it happen. At first, it worked wonderfully because cash flow was strong.

Then, the economy took a huge downturn…And he died very unexpectedly, leaving his college age kids heirs of the business.
I agreed to return to run the business in a salaried position until we could figure out what to do. I have kept sales and production flowing smoothly, but it is not like the old days at the time my brother bought me out.

The best solution seems to be for me to buy out my niece and nephew who are now the sole owners.
We are trying to figure out how to get a fair valuation. The business is no longer worth twice what my brother paid me for my half. In addition, much of the equipment needs updated computerization—a costly prospect.

These young people are business novices. I do not want their fear to turn to mistrust. The business cannot support what they think it is worth. What should I do?

Signed,
Want To Do What’s Right For All of Us

Dear Wants To Do What’s Right,

You should start with creating an agreement with your niece and nephew about the process you will take to establish value and the process for deciding upon what terms will work out best for each of you.

It is vitally important that you get professional advice. Without professional help, this can get even more expensive, especially if you fight. Maintaining clear, trusting communication will be worth the time and effort it takes. You are on target about getting a business valuation. And though expensive, your niece and nephew should also get one. Then you could find a number in between the two reports that could work for both parties.

However, the best solution may be to put the business on the market to sell to an outsider. If the business doesn’t sell at the price agreed upon, you will know that the price needs to be reduced. Before anything happens, there are some questions you need to explore. Getting professional help to answer these questions before you start to negotiate for the purchase of this business is very important.

• What are your retirement plans?

• How is your health?

• Did you enjoy what you were doing prior to returning to this business?

• How much debt will you have to carry if you buy and upgrade the business?

• Will cash flow take care of that?

• Is that amount of debt manageable at this time of your life?

• What are the tax implications for you as well as for your niece and nephew?

If you need assiustance with any part of these conversations, help is just a phone call away: CoachKarenC can help you with your relationship conversations or refer you to the appropriate professional in other areas.
Relationship First in the Business of Families 831-475-4479

Happy Valentine’s Day.           

May you and yours experience love and peace always.

Dear Coach Karen C,

My life has changed enormously in the last five years. There used to be plenty of time for just living and having a satisfying relationship with a friend or neighbor.

Now I spend hours everyday responding to phone calls, email, texts, tweets, Facebook posts. Sometimes there is so much activity, that it is hard to keep up. I have lots of  friends, so why do I feel so empty—so unsatisfied when I am communicating with them all the time?

Signed, Yearning

Dear Yearning,

I think you are on to something. What you are describing is an addiction that has conquered our world—and we still want “more”. We are extremely connected on a superficial level. What we yearn for is face time–real satisfying “being” with others. It sounds like you also yearn for some calm time –some time to just “be”.

We are the most interconnected, unconnected species on the planet. We share information via every conceivable electronic gadget. But– when was the last time you reached out to shake someone’s hand? Share a cup of coffee? Take a walk with a neighbor? Have an uninterrupted heart to heart conversation?

Yearning for satisfying personal connection is a basic human driver. We have assembled ourselves into tribes since mankind first stood on two feet. We have communicated with grunts, cave paintings, smoke signals, song, dance, ritual and highly evolved language. All of these efforts are used to draw people together.—And so is electronic communication.

However, too much of a good thing –isn’t.  Too much electronic communication  can create overload stress. It creates constant interruptions that prevent face to face, heart to heart communication. Electronic distractions absolutely keep you from being fully present with the people who are in your physical space—not to mention being with yourself.

On this Valentine’s Day, reach out and touch someone—not electronically. Get away from the keyboard. Leave your phone at home. Go outdoors. Take a walk. Visit with a neighbor. Have a heart to heart conversation with someone you love.

Allow enough quiet space and time to feel that in-the-bones deep satisfaction of being in the presence of others. Take some uninterrupted time to just be with yourself.  I guarantee you won’t feel empty. This real connection will fill you with energy and joy. Give it a try.

Wishing you the best,

Coach Karen C

If you would like help with relationship difficulties, or have a dilemma you think would be a good newsletter topic for Ask Coach Karen C., please call or email. All conversations are confidential.

Dear Coach Karen C:

Here it is the New Year and I am complaining already. My nephew makes me crazy. I am Managing member of our family LLC. It is my responsibility to get the tax information to our accountant as early as possible. The compiled information from the LLC return must be provided to all the family members for their respective individual 1040 reporting.

Every year my nephew, the LLC Treasurer, is really slow at getting the information to me. To his credit, the quality of his work has improved over the years, but I still must go over it carefully. There are lots of loose ends he just doesn’t see.

It is important to maintain a good relationship with him. Nagging doesn’t seem like a good idea. How can I get him to do the work and get it to me in a timely manner? It matters to a lot of family members, who are constantly asking me for their K-1 returns so they can finish their own taxes. They imply that I have been carelessly late. I don’t want to rat on my nephew. Making him the bad guy doesn’t help. The frustration that develops over this issue feels like a bomb ready to explode.

                                       Signed, Caught in the middle

Dear Caught in the Middle:

I hear your frustration. You are caught in the middle of unmet expectations from many directions—not nice! It sounds like your nephew is not a professional accounting person. It maybe that he has a good deal of uncertainty about what is needed and how to provide it. Procrastination is his temporary solution.

Here are some things that can help him get moving faster:

1. Give him a detailed description of the information you need and due date well in advance so he can know what he is aiming for.
2. Ask him what he needs to get the job done by the due date. Perhaps there are details about how this information fits into the big picture. That additional understanding might make the job easier for him.
3.  Be aware of the way you ask for further clarification. “You dummy” implied in your tone of voice will only make him feel like more of a failure—and he will want to do less for you.
4.  Be appreciative of the work he does. Be sure to notice improvements over last year’s experience.

Is there someone better qualified on your leadership team that could do the work of Treasurer? Could you find a bookkeeping company to perform the treasurer functions for your organization? Finding the right person for the job could be a gift to all of you.

You are right, nagging is not a good way to get the job done or maintain a healthy relationship. You are wise to pro-actively seek an agreeable way to solve this problem early in the tax season. Good luck.

“Ask Coach Karen C” offers tips for taking the “maybe” out of your day and monthly advice for working through hard conversations. If you would like help with relationship difficulties, or have a dilemma you think would be a good newsletter topic for “Ask Coach Karen C,” please call or email. All conversations are confidential.

Dear Coach Karen C:

Over the holidays my husband’s parents stayed with us for a week. We have had a good relationship for 25 years, but this week was different. My mother-in-law complained about everything from the bed and food to the weather and politics. I did my best to make her comfortable and talk about things that used to interest her.
I gave her plenty of loving attention.

Her victimhood was intense. There was no pleasing her. She left in a huff.

My spirit is being drowned by her negativity. I feel so discouraged and ineffective. I care about our family relationships and want us to enjoy each other like we used to. My husband’s parents are returning for a
week next month. I feel the dread building already. What should I do?

                                        Signed, Bewildered and tired

Dear Bewildered,

Take heart. First, know that the only one you can change is you. It is not your job in life to MAKE anyone happy.—Only they can do that.

Kudos for lovingly providing comfort, care and consideration in the face of all that complaining. Upon their return, continue to be loving and considerate, but ease up on yourself. Maybe she just needs to vent. It is not your responsibility to “fix” her complaints. Listen reflectively. In most cases you need take no action. Her angst is not about you.

Ask your husband talk to his parents about Mom seeing a doctor. With such a dramatic personality change, there may be underlying health issues that need attention.

In the meantime, you can get this year off to a more centered start by each day noticing something you are grateful for. You might start with noticing that you have a good heart and being grateful for the joy it brings you.

Coach Karen C

If you would like help with relationship difficulties, have a dilemma you think would be a good newsletter topic for Ask Coach Karen C., please call or email. All conversations are confidential.

The tragic events in Tucson last month brought on an unusual conversation in the media. For a few days “Civility” was in the news. There were urgings for “someone else” to be more civil in the way they reported the news, or spoke about each other. Certainly, “we” are civil. It’s the other guy who needs to watch their language.   Oh, we forget so fast. Today’s news is on to something else.

Celebration of Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to refocus on civility. Yes, Valentine’s Day is for lovers–and love begins with respect and civility. Family relationships, brotherly love, community caring all have civility and respect at their core. This time, we will look at how each of us can contribute to civility in our own way.

What follows is my valentine gift to you: A Pledge To Civility. I hope each of you will make the pledge. it is very simple–but not always easy. Please join me in creating a more peaceful, respectful world. Take the Civility Pledge.

Civility Pledge

For Public Discourse and Private Conversation

I pledge to treat others with the respect and honesty I want from them.

I pledge to assume other’s positive intent.

I pledge to be clear about my motivations and intent. I will take the high road, inviting other to travel with me.

I pledge to strive to express myself with clarity and honest transparency.

I pledge to ask for clarification of ideas and action items.

I pledge to listen with interest and focus.

I pledge to recognize differing points of view and acknowledge the value of differing voices in solving any problem.

I pledge to look for common ground among differing points of view.

I pledge to exercise self-management when feeling challenged. I will stay calm and present , and avoid being triggered by other’s statements.

If I hear inflammatory language (hyperbole, insults, exaggeration, disrespectful language), I pledge to request a restatement.

If inflammatory language persists, I pledge to end the conversation politely, suggesting that we resume the subject when we both are calm.

By Karen Calcagno, CPCC, ORSCC

www. AdvantageFamilyBusinessCenter.com

My grandchildren’s  excitement pulses from their anticipation. Public music is intense. Rain beats hard. Traffic is gridlocked but polite. My shopping is nearly done.

The house is filled with smells of cookies baking and fresh pine boughs. The decorations look familiar. They are old friends that get dusted off and rearranged every year…something old, something new.

Between Norman Rockwell and Hallmark we have compelling images of the holidays as they “should be”. Beautiful food and decorations are the backdrop for smiling, happy family and friends. It is a wonderful time of reconnection. Everyone is getting along.

The picture never shows the stress and fatigue of preparation, over spending, travel and the dread of reliving the outdated family dance.

The desire to “go home” –to be lovingly received in our family of origin—lies deep in our hearts. To be accepted just as we are is one of our most basic human needs. Longing to be affirmed by our folks, our clan, drives us home and drives us away.

You are a grown-up who functions quite well in your own adult world, thank you! Yet, when you arrive back home, you are still the kid sister who is “not enough” to play with the big kids.  How long will it be that they think of you that way?

This holiday can be different! You can’t change their behavior, but you can change the power it has over you.

You are more than enough! You have enormous power at your fingertips—just plug in and play.

Notice your own attitude: Are you feeling defensive before you even arrive? Are you anticipating their judgment? Are you tired and stressed before you even unpack your bags?

How would your experience be different if you arrived—and remained– calm, relaxed and openhearted?

• Begin with planning self- care into your visit. Take a walks to relieve the stress of noise, confusion and overeating. Breathe deeply. Stretch often.
• Practice using the metaview (the big picture). If you were to see this situation from 10,000 feet up in the air, what would be important? From a distance, you would only see the big motions of the players. You would not be mired in all the little interpretations and triggers—yours or other’s.
• Be aware that other people’s remarks and reactions (even when negative) are usually not “all about you”. Human beings are practiced at projection. Their own insecurities show up in their judgment of others.  So, when your brother-in-law goes on and on about how wonderful he is, he is most likely doing just that.
• Assume positive intent. Your interpretation of remarks has everything to do with your enjoyment of the situation. Rather than interpreting your brother-in-law’s remarks as a put-down for you, try just being entertained. The good news is that you don’t have to live with him.
• Get curious. Ask questions that draw out the speaker. We often assume we know what someone is thinking—especially someone we have known forever. Great enjoyment is available for the skilled, reflective listener.
• Be ready for the unexpected. When you are relaxed, you can go with the flow with greater ease. Not being too attached to “the plan” can allow room for happy surprises.
• Leave your extra baggage at home. Travel light. May your calm and clear heart be contagious.

Enjoy! This will truly be a beautiful holiday.

Let joy be your gift this holiday season. May faith, hope and love be your treasures in the New Year

Blessings from CoachKaren

PS If you are avoiding a “hard conversation” this season, call Karen for HELP.