Happy Valentine’s Day.           

May you and yours experience love and peace always.

Dear Coach Karen C,

My life has changed enormously in the last five years. There used to be plenty of time for just living and having a satisfying relationship with a friend or neighbor.

Now I spend hours everyday responding to phone calls, email, texts, tweets, Facebook posts. Sometimes there is so much activity, that it is hard to keep up. I have lots of  friends, so why do I feel so empty—so unsatisfied when I am communicating with them all the time?

Signed, Yearning

Dear Yearning,

I think you are on to something. What you are describing is an addiction that has conquered our world—and we still want “more”. We are extremely connected on a superficial level. What we yearn for is face time–real satisfying “being” with others. It sounds like you also yearn for some calm time –some time to just “be”.

We are the most interconnected, unconnected species on the planet. We share information via every conceivable electronic gadget. But– when was the last time you reached out to shake someone’s hand? Share a cup of coffee? Take a walk with a neighbor? Have an uninterrupted heart to heart conversation?

Yearning for satisfying personal connection is a basic human driver. We have assembled ourselves into tribes since mankind first stood on two feet. We have communicated with grunts, cave paintings, smoke signals, song, dance, ritual and highly evolved language. All of these efforts are used to draw people together.—And so is electronic communication.

However, too much of a good thing –isn’t.  Too much electronic communication  can create overload stress. It creates constant interruptions that prevent face to face, heart to heart communication. Electronic distractions absolutely keep you from being fully present with the people who are in your physical space—not to mention being with yourself.

On this Valentine’s Day, reach out and touch someone—not electronically. Get away from the keyboard. Leave your phone at home. Go outdoors. Take a walk. Visit with a neighbor. Have a heart to heart conversation with someone you love.

Allow enough quiet space and time to feel that in-the-bones deep satisfaction of being in the presence of others. Take some uninterrupted time to just be with yourself.  I guarantee you won’t feel empty. This real connection will fill you with energy and joy. Give it a try.

Wishing you the best,

Coach Karen C

If you would like help with relationship difficulties, or have a dilemma you think would be a good newsletter topic for Ask Coach Karen C., please call or email. All conversations are confidential.

Dear Coach Karen C:

Here it is the New Year and I am complaining already. My nephew makes me crazy. I am Managing member of our family LLC. It is my responsibility to get the tax information to our accountant as early as possible. The compiled information from the LLC return must be provided to all the family members for their respective individual 1040 reporting.

Every year my nephew, the LLC Treasurer, is really slow at getting the information to me. To his credit, the quality of his work has improved over the years, but I still must go over it carefully. There are lots of loose ends he just doesn’t see.

It is important to maintain a good relationship with him. Nagging doesn’t seem like a good idea. How can I get him to do the work and get it to me in a timely manner? It matters to a lot of family members, who are constantly asking me for their K-1 returns so they can finish their own taxes. They imply that I have been carelessly late. I don’t want to rat on my nephew. Making him the bad guy doesn’t help. The frustration that develops over this issue feels like a bomb ready to explode.

                                       Signed, Caught in the middle

Dear Caught in the Middle:

I hear your frustration. You are caught in the middle of unmet expectations from many directions—not nice! It sounds like your nephew is not a professional accounting person. It maybe that he has a good deal of uncertainty about what is needed and how to provide it. Procrastination is his temporary solution.

Here are some things that can help him get moving faster:

1. Give him a detailed description of the information you need and due date well in advance so he can know what he is aiming for.
2. Ask him what he needs to get the job done by the due date. Perhaps there are details about how this information fits into the big picture. That additional understanding might make the job easier for him.
3.  Be aware of the way you ask for further clarification. “You dummy” implied in your tone of voice will only make him feel like more of a failure—and he will want to do less for you.
4.  Be appreciative of the work he does. Be sure to notice improvements over last year’s experience.

Is there someone better qualified on your leadership team that could do the work of Treasurer? Could you find a bookkeeping company to perform the treasurer functions for your organization? Finding the right person for the job could be a gift to all of you.

You are right, nagging is not a good way to get the job done or maintain a healthy relationship. You are wise to pro-actively seek an agreeable way to solve this problem early in the tax season. Good luck.

“Ask Coach Karen C” offers tips for taking the “maybe” out of your day and monthly advice for working through hard conversations. If you would like help with relationship difficulties, or have a dilemma you think would be a good newsletter topic for “Ask Coach Karen C,” please call or email. All conversations are confidential.

Dear Coach Karen C:

Over the holidays my husband’s parents stayed with us for a week. We have had a good relationship for 25 years, but this week was different. My mother-in-law complained about everything from the bed and food to the weather and politics. I did my best to make her comfortable and talk about things that used to interest her.
I gave her plenty of loving attention.

Her victimhood was intense. There was no pleasing her. She left in a huff.

My spirit is being drowned by her negativity. I feel so discouraged and ineffective. I care about our family relationships and want us to enjoy each other like we used to. My husband’s parents are returning for a
week next month. I feel the dread building already. What should I do?

                                        Signed, Bewildered and tired

Dear Bewildered,

Take heart. First, know that the only one you can change is you. It is not your job in life to MAKE anyone happy.—Only they can do that.

Kudos for lovingly providing comfort, care and consideration in the face of all that complaining. Upon their return, continue to be loving and considerate, but ease up on yourself. Maybe she just needs to vent. It is not your responsibility to “fix” her complaints. Listen reflectively. In most cases you need take no action. Her angst is not about you.

Ask your husband talk to his parents about Mom seeing a doctor. With such a dramatic personality change, there may be underlying health issues that need attention.

In the meantime, you can get this year off to a more centered start by each day noticing something you are grateful for. You might start with noticing that you have a good heart and being grateful for the joy it brings you.

Coach Karen C

If you would like help with relationship difficulties, have a dilemma you think would be a good newsletter topic for Ask Coach Karen C., please call or email. All conversations are confidential.

The tragic events in Tucson last month brought on an unusual conversation in the media. For a few days “Civility” was in the news. There were urgings for “someone else” to be more civil in the way they reported the news, or spoke about each other. Certainly, “we” are civil. It’s the other guy who needs to watch their language.   Oh, we forget so fast. Today’s news is on to something else.

Celebration of Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to refocus on civility. Yes, Valentine’s Day is for lovers–and love begins with respect and civility. Family relationships, brotherly love, community caring all have civility and respect at their core. This time, we will look at how each of us can contribute to civility in our own way.

What follows is my valentine gift to you: A Pledge To Civility. I hope each of you will make the pledge. it is very simple–but not always easy. Please join me in creating a more peaceful, respectful world. Take the Civility Pledge.

Civility Pledge

For Public Discourse and Private Conversation

I pledge to treat others with the respect and honesty I want from them.

I pledge to assume other’s positive intent.

I pledge to be clear about my motivations and intent. I will take the high road, inviting other to travel with me.

I pledge to strive to express myself with clarity and honest transparency.

I pledge to ask for clarification of ideas and action items.

I pledge to listen with interest and focus.

I pledge to recognize differing points of view and acknowledge the value of differing voices in solving any problem.

I pledge to look for common ground among differing points of view.

I pledge to exercise self-management when feeling challenged. I will stay calm and present , and avoid being triggered by other’s statements.

If I hear inflammatory language (hyperbole, insults, exaggeration, disrespectful language), I pledge to request a restatement.

If inflammatory language persists, I pledge to end the conversation politely, suggesting that we resume the subject when we both are calm.

By Karen Calcagno, CPCC, ORSCC

www. AdvantageFamilyBusinessCenter.com

My grandchildren’s  excitement pulses from their anticipation. Public music is intense. Rain beats hard. Traffic is gridlocked but polite. My shopping is nearly done.

The house is filled with smells of cookies baking and fresh pine boughs. The decorations look familiar. They are old friends that get dusted off and rearranged every year…something old, something new.

Between Norman Rockwell and Hallmark we have compelling images of the holidays as they “should be”. Beautiful food and decorations are the backdrop for smiling, happy family and friends. It is a wonderful time of reconnection. Everyone is getting along.

The picture never shows the stress and fatigue of preparation, over spending, travel and the dread of reliving the outdated family dance.

The desire to “go home” –to be lovingly received in our family of origin—lies deep in our hearts. To be accepted just as we are is one of our most basic human needs. Longing to be affirmed by our folks, our clan, drives us home and drives us away.

You are a grown-up who functions quite well in your own adult world, thank you! Yet, when you arrive back home, you are still the kid sister who is “not enough” to play with the big kids.  How long will it be that they think of you that way?

This holiday can be different! You can’t change their behavior, but you can change the power it has over you.

You are more than enough! You have enormous power at your fingertips—just plug in and play.

Notice your own attitude: Are you feeling defensive before you even arrive? Are you anticipating their judgment? Are you tired and stressed before you even unpack your bags?

How would your experience be different if you arrived—and remained– calm, relaxed and openhearted?

• Begin with planning self- care into your visit. Take a walks to relieve the stress of noise, confusion and overeating. Breathe deeply. Stretch often.
• Practice using the metaview (the big picture). If you were to see this situation from 10,000 feet up in the air, what would be important? From a distance, you would only see the big motions of the players. You would not be mired in all the little interpretations and triggers—yours or other’s.
• Be aware that other people’s remarks and reactions (even when negative) are usually not “all about you”. Human beings are practiced at projection. Their own insecurities show up in their judgment of others.  So, when your brother-in-law goes on and on about how wonderful he is, he is most likely doing just that.
• Assume positive intent. Your interpretation of remarks has everything to do with your enjoyment of the situation. Rather than interpreting your brother-in-law’s remarks as a put-down for you, try just being entertained. The good news is that you don’t have to live with him.
• Get curious. Ask questions that draw out the speaker. We often assume we know what someone is thinking—especially someone we have known forever. Great enjoyment is available for the skilled, reflective listener.
• Be ready for the unexpected. When you are relaxed, you can go with the flow with greater ease. Not being too attached to “the plan” can allow room for happy surprises.
• Leave your extra baggage at home. Travel light. May your calm and clear heart be contagious.

Enjoy! This will truly be a beautiful holiday.

Let joy be your gift this holiday season. May faith, hope and love be your treasures in the New Year

Blessings from CoachKaren

PS If you are avoiding a “hard conversation” this season, call Karen for HELP.

Today’s post was written by Claire Laughlin

I was having lunch with a very wise colleague the other day, and she said something that I have been pondering ever since (as wise people often do). We were talking about how the economy has impacted our ways of working and she said, “I am sad about the loss of ‘thinking time’.”

“Thinking Time.”

You might be thinking, “I think all day!”

But when I heard this phrase, I thought about creative thinking time… Out of the box thinking time….systems development thinking time.

Personally, I feel like I need to do a lot of thinking time, but for some reason it seems like a low priority. Shouldn’t I be DOING something, and not just THINKING? Shouldn’t I be calling someone or sitting in a meeting? Shouldn’t I be interacting with a client or writing a document?

But our Thinking Time is what helps us do better.

So, when do you have your Thinking Time? How do you build Thinking Time into your meetings? How do you spark Thinking Time when you are in the midst of a busy day? When do you plan Thinking Time IN to your work life?

In the Cabrillo Leadership Academy, we call Thinking Time, GOLD TIME, and we teach participants how to build it in to the work day- everyday!

Past participants attest to the importance of this concept and the value of learning more in the Leadership Academy.

Carol Siegel, HR Manager at Seaside Company said, “The benefit I received from attending the Leadership Academy was to realize how important it is to take a step back and get perspective. Also to understand why I do what I do, and to learn from others. I now see that chaos, confusion and frustration are not all negative, but an opportunity for growth and change. We can always learn… become better leaders. I loved the collaboration and hearing from my peers about what is working and not working for them. I experienced how important GOLD TIME is.”

At some time, every family has its “wild card”. It may be a personality, a situation, an unexpected reversal, an illness, grieving, a death….something that keeps the family dynamic stirred up, off kilter.

Within that context, what outcome to your estate settlement process would you desire? How would you like your children to be in relationship with one another during this difficult time?

Will the estate settlement process be a vehicle for creating peace among the siblings or will it stir up more angst and divisiveness?

The answer to that question is “It’s all in the way you do it—and the way they do it.” The success of this has very little to do with the size of the estate.

My mother and her sister never spoke again after my aunt dictatorily made her mother’s  estate decisions without consulting her sister—her only sibling. She handed down orders and demands for signatures as though my mother didn’t have a brain in her head. It was a small estate, but it was a large problem. The relationship was sacrificed on the altar of insulting officiousness. What a sad outcome. My Grandmother was probably weeping in her grave over the loss of relationship between her two beloved daughters.

A solid foundation for the Estate Plan includes the adult children in the dialog. This is a good time to discuss your vision for how they will carry on after you are gone. Do you see them supporting each other? Or, do you see them clawing at each other with “gimmes”?

This is a good time to work out a game plan. Certainly you need to appoint an Executor. It is important to first ask the person you would like to appoint. Sometimes, though they would like to be helpful, they are not able to serve. Perhaps two of your children would serve together. This is something to talk through with them. If none of your offspring can carry that load, either alone or with sibling support, you can appoint an outsider.

When you are preparing your estate plan, you may have many years yet to live.  The contents of your estate may change dramatically between the time the plan is drawn up and your demise. In this case, we highly recommend that you have a conceptual conversation with your children. Talk about your hopes and dreams for their relationships as they grow old together.

The estate settlement process, as difficult as it sometimes is, can be a great opportunity for the siblings to become a mature team. It gives them a place to step out of the old rivalry habits from their childhood and work together. They can discover each other’s strengths, and enjoy each other as adults. This doesn’t usually happen by accident.

What gets in the way of a successful  conceptual conversation?  Fear and Lack of Planning

It is too easy to get mired in the details. Many folks do not have this preliminary conversation because they fear being put on the spot. “What are you going to give to me? To my brother?”  “That’s not fair.”  You can hear it now!!

Reserve comment. Life changes. You never know what will happen. I have seen many estates eaten up with end of life expenses. This is not the time to share all the details.

You do want to have the conversation focused on love, respect and fairness. Ask your kids for their ideas about how they might share whatever is left.

Fair is not always equal. A woman I met recently told me that she is leaving a large property to one daughter and a small property to her other daughter. I asked her why. What was the thinking behind this seeming inequity? She explained that one daughter lived near her and took care of her daily needs and had done so for several years. It was her way of saying “Thank you”. The other daughter lived  quite a distance away and they did not have daily contact.

There is a real possibility that her daughters may not understand  the mother’s logic unless she tells them both. Over and over again, I have heard the sad tale from a child who felt deeply hurt because her parent never talked about why the distribution was lop-sided. People can handle inequality much more easily than they accept seeming unfairness.

Certainly there are some parents who would choose to punish their children from the grave. But, I believe, estate planning choices are most often done with good intentions– without parents realizing the negative impact that can occur.

If your children don’t get along, encourage them to work on their “playing together well” skills. Good times for families can do a lot to soften the rough edges. Family systems coaching helps families step out of old destructive patterns.

A few meetings with a family systems coach is a real gift to the health of your family future.  The coaching environment—the safe, NO BLAME game— helps all the family participants step up to being their better selves with their tribemates.

Once a tribe has established the vision of how it wants to be together, skills can be developed to bring the vision to fruition. Respect (even through disagreement), clear communication, taking personal responsibility for one’s own actions and emotions, and being willing to be held accountable for personal commitments are the bedrock upon which the family builds its new interactive processes.

Discussing the concept of distributing your estate is a great place to begin this family systems remodeling project. The subject is edgy for everyone. Everyone has a stake in the outcome. There are many taboos to overcome. Each family has its list of “things we don’t talk about.” How well has that worked so far?