By Karen Calcagno, CPCC
Advantage Family Business Center

Peaceful estate settlement is a concern for all parties involved. I have never met a family where the parents say “I want my kids to never speak to each other after I die”—yet that is often the unintended result. Rarely do the inheritors (recipients) think about the part they may unwittingly play in creating divisiveness. They usually feel like victims of another’s actions. Whether you are an inheritor or you are leaving an inheritance, the eight elements described in this article can mean the difference between a peaceful estate settlement and a family dynamic marked by grudge-holding and animosity. 

1. Identify the Parties Involved

In order to promote peace and fairness most easily, it is wise to identify who will be directly involved and who could be a supporter. Hopefully, the older Generation family members have identified their Co-Trustee, and Successor Trustee. The most effective way to make core decisions and reach peaceful resolutions is to involve only the individuals named in the trust or will, without their spouses or other family members. Siblings’ spouses and children can be a great support but, only in rare circumstances should they be included in the decision making process.

2. Begin The Conversation

Although parents don’t set out to intentionally create divisiveness amongst their children, it often happens for one of the following reasons: Parents didn’t

• make the appropriate plans;
• talk to their adult children about how they wanted to spend their last days;
• explain how they have provided for themselves financially in their later years; or
• share how they hope their children will support each other after they are gone.

The person opening the conversation should acknowledge that this is a delicate conversation. It is a conversation that should be thought through in advance. It is important to establish the goals, timing, location, and appropriate participants ……….. 

3. Build Trust

Build it and maintain it—trust is the mother of love. Trust helps us feel safe. Trust is what allows us to open up our vulnerable side. It is what families want to be all about. Intentional trust building should start today! Your family is never “too young” or “too old” to work on trust building. See article for some simple steps to help build trust.

4. Competency of Trustee & Advisors

The Successor Trustee or Executor has a fiduciary responsibility to carry out the terms of the will and trust. However, that does not mean that this person must do all the work him/herself.

It is wise to coordinate a team of advisors who can help you understand the variety of legal and tax strategies that can be applied to ensure effective estate resolution. If you have done some basic research, your advisors won’t have to educate you from ground zero.

Each involved family member should be aware of who the parents’ advisors are and how to reach them. In the best case scenario, family members will have been introduced to the advisors while the parents are still competent.

5. Design Your Alliance for Family Meetings

The safety and openness of a facilitated meeting can be especially powerful if your group is either averse to conflict or moves to conflict quickly. It is important that this process allows NO BULLIES and NO DOORMATS. 

 “Agreements” need to be established as part of designing your alliance

See the article for details about setting up agreements. A facilitated meeting can get a family off to a strong start in working as a team in the estate resolution process.

6. Build A Team

A team has specific positions, usually cross trains, knows how to pinch hit for each other, knows the goal of the game, has a clear idea of how the goal is to be reached, and finds its most brilliant strength in the synergy between the players. The players support each other for success.

This also describes a winning family team playing the “Peaceful Estate Settlement Game.”

Team members create intentional, purposeful relationship systems in order to accomplish their mutual goals.

Team building starts with building relationship.

Start with focusing on the natural strengths of the sibling group. What a great excuse to all go off on a family holiday! Get to know each other as adult friends. If necessary get some practice at socializing with and enjoying each other in low conflict environments.

7. Meet Regularly.

The frequent family meeting, held in a structured way at an appointed time is very useful for keeping everyone up to date and in the loop. Whether face to face or by conference call, frequent meetings allow time for substantial discussion of the issues. With frequent meetings enough agenda time is provided to cover all items and to keep the energy moving.

Many families have found it helpful to have a facilitator preside over their first few meetings. A neutral facilitator helps set and maintain ground rules for the group. Ground rules create and maintain a safe environment. A safe environment encourages participants to find, adopt, and practice new habits that are critical to a peaceful estate settlement.

8. Plan Fun into the Process.

Fun-fun-fun—helps grease the wheels of relationship. Often overlooked, this is a very important element. If you can have fun together and can dream together, you can find a peaceful, fair way to family estate settlement. An important job on the team is “Fun Master.” This role should be rotated through the group. Celebrate the steps along the way. An opportunity to strengthen relationship with your family members is one of the gifts you have received.

In more detail

1. Identify the Parties Involved
2. Begin The Conversation
3. Build Trust
4. Competency of Trustee & Advisors
5. Design Your Alliance for Family Meetings
6. Build A Team
7. Meet Regularly
8. Plan Fun into the Process
Conclusion