The safety and openness of a facilitated meeting can be especially powerful if your group is either averse to conflict or moves to conflict quickly. It is important that this process allows NO BULLIES and NO DOORMATS.

In Element Three, building trust, listening first and assuming positive intent were recommended as important skills to hone. Practicing these skills, it is time to design your alliance as you build your team for elder care and/or estate settlement. In what spirit do you want to have your meetings or interactions? How will you be together? Open? Curious? Can do? Attentive? Participatory? Supportive?

 “Agreements” need to be established as part of designing your alliance. As a coach/facilitator, I provide the agreements listed below and request that the family members add more of their own.

Assume positive intent of others.

You can change your mind later, if necessary. By assuming positive intent, you can ask non-judgmental questions. This allows you to remain curious.

Remain curious.

Being mindful that we all think differently—and that’s a good thing—staying curious enables us to look for a greater understanding of other. Discovery of who our siblings really are is a gift.

Nobody gets to be wrong.

This means each person speaks what they specifically observe (the facts)—not their interpretation. Interpretation often leads to judgment—making other wrong.

Confidentiality.

When family members leave this meeting, no one will take tales or personal interpretations back to their spouse or other family members. What happens in these meetings is confidential. Confidentiality reduces the emotional roller coaster and any potential alignments or misalignments that often result from outside pressures. A pledge to confidentiality also invites people to speak freely.

Confidentiality and transparency are not in conflict. In this context, confidentiality means that meeting participants will not “carry tales of he said/she said” back to their spouse or other family members. If family members stick with “assume positive intent” & “be curious” about something you don’t understand, they will avoid the poison of judgment.

Explore new learning skills.

As the family system unfolds and the group develops processes it wants to use, helpful new skills and tools will emerge. Practicing those skills and using these tools will make life much easier.

Stay in the camp.

We all have habits of withdrawal when we feel uncomfortable. Each of us has different tolerances for discomfort. Should you become uncomfortable in this process, you agree that you will not leave. You may move your chair to the edge, but the agreement is to stay through to the end of the meeting or conversation. This agreement is important because every voice needs to be heard—even the uncomfortable voice.

Have a sense of humor

Think of a fun way to remind one another when one of the agreements is broken. No judgment—just a touch of humor. We are all creatures of habit. We will all go against the “agreements” once in a while. Allow a little room for error.

Create a process for your communication between meetings:

Will we communicate by email? By phone? Will we have a phone tree? How will everyone be included? Will we have conference calls (freeconference.com)? Should we take minutes of our calls for our later reference? If so, who will take them and how and when will they be distributed? How will you be open to each other? What will happen if someone shuts down during a family discussion? What does it mean to encourage all voices even though it might create conflict? How will you handle conflict so that it does not create bad feelings or rupture relationships?

Some other areas of agreement families often want to add to this list have to do with accountability, commitment, follow through and specifics relevant to their family dynamic.

1. Identify the Parties Involved
2. Begin The Conversation
3. Build Trust
4. Competency of Trustee & Advisors
5. Element Five: Design Your Alliance for Family Meetings
6. Build A Team
7. Meet Regularly
8. Plan Fun into the Process
Conclusion