Beginning is often the most difficult part. How do I bring up the subject of estate planning with my parents? I don’t know if they have done any planning. Won’t they think I am greedy or after their money? Will they think I want them to die? Is there an easily recognizable opportunity to open this delicate conversation?

Although parents don’t set out to intentionally create divisiveness amongst their children, it often happens for one of the following reasons: Parents didn’t

• make the appropriate plans;
• talk to their adult children about how they wanted to spend their last days;
• explain how they have provided for themselves financially in their later years; or
• share how they hope their children will support each other after they are gone.

Unfortunately, the end is perceived to be shrouded in mystery and uncertainty for both parents and children. The parents often tell themselves a variation on one of the following possibilities: “If we don’t talk about it, death won’t happen.” “It’s not my problem after I am dead.” “Let the kids just split up whatever is left after I am gone.”

The person opening the conversation should acknowledge that this is a delicate conversation. It is a conversation that should be thought through in advance. It is important to establish the goals, timing, location, and appropriate participants for this conversation.

If the parents are gone and the children are attempting to settle the estate, they may wonder about any number of the following:

• Who should have what?
• How can we peacefully and fairly exercise Mom’s and Dad’s wishes when we all have a different interpretation of what they wanted?
• What is fair? If one of us is more in need than the others, should that person get more than the rest of us?
• It would be much easier if Mom and Dad had made their wishes clearly known. If the parents’ wishes were unclear, how should they be interpreted or administered?

In terms of goals, think about the following questions. How they should be asked?

• Do Mom and Dad have a formal estate plan?
• Do they have a Will and Living Trust?
• Who is the Co-Trustee?
• Who is the Executor? Successor Trustee?
• Who is named on their Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care?
• What are Mom & Dad’s wishes for end of life care?
• Where are their papers located?
• Who are their advisors?

A good beginning might sound something like this: “Mom and Dad, I know you love me and my brothers and sisters. By example, you have taught us how to be thoughtful, caring people. I am reasonably certain that you want us to care for you in your old age and for each other when you are gone. You could do a lot to keep the spirit of our family alive and healthy after you are gone by talking to us now. You could make it immensely easier on all of us by giving us some information about your wishes and plans. This is not about money. It is about relationships and trust and responsibility.”

“Do you have a Will? A Living Trust? A Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care? These are very important documents for the well being of a surviving spouse as well as for the children after the last parent has passed on.”

“Who will be the Executor or your estate? Have you talked to that person about what you want? Have you named a Co-Trustee who will help you with your financial affairs if you become incapacitated? Do you have enough money to live comfortably well into the future? If you aren’t sure, would you like some help figuring it out?”

Depending upon the family, this conversation may take several times to get off the ground. For years my father-in-law refused to talk about setting up a Living Trust. One day, he went along with the request and got it done. Thank goodness! It opened the door to the thought process of estate planning. Eventually, he got interested in finding ways to prepare for his future. That planning made a huge difference in what was available for my mother-in-law in her old age as a widow—and there was something left for their children when she was gone.

1. Identify the Parties Involved
2. Begin The Conversation
3. Build Trust
4. Competency of Trustee & Advisors
5. Element Five: Design Your Alliance for Family Meetings
6. Build A Team
7. Meet Regularly
8. Plan Fun into the Process
Conclusion